Well it’s that time of the year again, and by saying that i’m not referring to just Christmas where there are colored lights and happiness flowing through the streets. For some this Christmas is one for grieving, for those whom have lost loved ones or had tragedy smack them this year. For those of you, who are currently experiencing this.. I am praying this Christmas for your heart to mend and each day it get easier to get out of bed and face the day. For my family this Christmas is more meaningful than ever. Probably the most meaningful Christmas’s we will ever have. As many of you know, December 15th, 2015 was the worst day of our life. As we were planning our wedding we found out as young 23 and 24 year olds that the life we had always dreamt of was going to end right then and there. I was sick. VERY SICK. I got diagnosed with Stage IIIC Ovarian Cancer. For those of you who know anything about this disease you know that the life expectancy is 3-5 years after diagnosis (if you’re lucky). I had what was one of the most rare and deadly forms Low and High Grade Serous Carcinoma—That basically means you’rE (excuse my language) FUCKED. I was given 6 months to a year to live. FML…but really. TWO months out from my wedding. This Christmas I am by the grace of god and a true miracle still kicking! This past year i’ve had to pull myself out of bed every single day knowing the inevitable, I was going to die. I wasn’t going to make it to my first Christmas with my new hubby. This not only is devastating for someone who is 23 years young and has the whole world at their feet and been given the blessing to live a full life…. mine seemed as though it was ending as soon as it began. Well guess what I AM ALIVE THIS CHRISTMAS! still healing, fighting every single day and facing my emotional and physical demons I have experienced this year but I am happy to be ALIVE. Many people don’t realize that when you get sick you go into a fight or flight mode. Nothing matters besides trying not to die. once you are at a stable place with cancer all the emotions you have buried and numbness chip away at you! My oncologist calls it Cancer PTSD-yes it is VERY much a thing. I guess you could say I spent this past year dying to live!!! This Christmas I want all of you to really think about your lives, the good, the bad, the people who mean something to you…have you been the best you can be for them? Have you complained about petty things all year when being able to take just one breath each moment of everyday is a miracle?? My husband and I are letting our grievances go….I am letting go of the burden of having to fight for my life and am going to live each moment to the fullest, appreciate traffic, pay for someone behind me in the Starbucks line..think of others instead of my self and truly do selfless deeds because I want to feel the reward we give ourselves for doing something good…but genuinely remember what It is to have a good Christmas and year. It doesn’t matter what you have under the tree.. It matters who you are sitting around it with. I am letting go of the broken heart ( I am going to work on mending it this year), the anger I feel, the sleepless nights I had, the excruciating pain, expense, and heartache my cancer put my family and friends through. I am letting go of losing my ability to birth our child we always dreamt of. The helplessness I felt.
December 15th, 2015 changed our world forever. Things we will be letting go of!!!
1. Having god rewrite my story without asking!
2. the loss carrying, giving birth and looking into a child’s eyes and seeing my resemblance or eyes.
3. The Haley and Taylor that were Pre-cancer battle, we won the battle but will always face the War, I will never be rid of this chronic disease, I have to accept that and be ready to fight at a Cat Scans notice!
4. My Anger of not having my wedding on my terms, walking down the isle with a wig glued to my head as my bridesmaids felt beautiful getting their hair and makeup done.
5. Letting go of the anger I feel towards people I expected to be there that weren’t/couldn’t handle it.
6. Having to watch my husband suffer.
7. The pain of losing my hair.
8. The many surgeries, needle pokes, port accesses and recovery that is still taking months of my life away.
9. Being angry at God…he didn’t give me this disease he gave me blessings along my fight
10. Forgiving the people who don’t know what to say to me in passing and say stupid shit. (BELIVE ME THERE’S A TON)
Things I will be thankful for
1. Waking up each day to my husbands smiling face
2. Having an amazing mom and Dad who would and did move mountains for me.
3. Enjoying the smell and feeling of rainfall, fresh cut grass.
4. Having the energy to walk from the bed to the backdoor.
5. To truly live each day God has blessed me with to the fullest.
6. The ability to be a changed woman for the better without this devastation, I wouldn’t have found my strength.
7. Being honest, forthcoming and not giving a shit about stuff that used to stress me out!!!
8. Appreciating the little things.
9. Laying in the hot sun on a pretty day.
10. Giving my grievances to god.